Why you don't feel good about yourself
I'm a piece of sh*t.
Others are so much better than me.
How could I ever achieve anything meaningful...
Most people are not happy with their lives.
I was part of that group too.
I'm not a therapist, nor psychologist - and don't pretend to be one.
But I've gone through depression, hating and doubting myself.
Today, I'd like to share with you a few core lessons that helped me feel better about myself.
1) The Story
You're a storyteller.
I don't care if you don't identify as one. But you are one.
Let me explain.
What makes you feel bad?
Your thoughts, right?
If you had no negative thoughts, would you still feel negative?
You wouldn't, right?
You're telling a story to yourself, about yourself.
Let me repeat that.
You're telling a story to yourself, about yourself.
If you tell yourself I'm a piece of sh*t.
That is a story.
I'm someone who doesn't get work done.
That is a story.
I'm bad at photography.
That is a story.
The story you tell yourself determines the quality of life you live.
What you focus on, is the thing you'll be aware of - the thing you feel.
What is not in focus still exists, you just haven't taken them into the story you're telling.
If you tell yourself you're someone who is not good at photography - there might be some truth to that.
Maybe you didn't get the shot you wanted.
Maybe there's room for improvement.
But that does not mean you're bad at photography.
Zoom out. Adjust your focus. See the whole picture.
Be careful about the story you tell yourself.
Especially be careful with these 2 words...
The 2 most powerful (and dangerous) words in English
What are the words?
"I" and "am".
Let me explain, my friend.
Identity is a set of beliefs and rules that you use to define yourself and that other people use to define you. - Tony Robbins
As Robbins gives an example in some audio tapes;
There's a big difference whether you feel stupid - or identify someone who IS stupid.
An identity is something that we all have.
An identity defines you. And if negative, it limits you.
Once you define who you are, your behaviour will be consistent.
If you say you're a procrastinator, you'll procrastinate much more.
If you say you're a bad photographer, you'll have a harder time taking good photos.
If you say "I'm someone who can't take wildlife photos", then you have a harder time doing so.
Let's take another example:
Let's say you like to drink some alcohol here and there.
Saying I like to drink alcohol here and there - is different from saying I'm an alcoholic.
See?
If you have some extra weight;
It's different to say I have some extra weight - compared to saying I'm fat.
Your identity will define your experience on Earth.
If it's a negative one, you'll have a negative experience.
Your identity will make you notice new things about yourself. Good or bad.
It'll define what you're willing to try - and not try.
Everything starts from the identity.
It's the 1st pillar.
You gotta fix it first.
Let's say you are currently saying I'm a smoker.
Then, you must get to the point that I'm not someone who smokes.
This is how you make lasting changes.
You don't need to go and remind yourself Hey, I was supposed to be productive - when you ARE a productive person.
The words "I" and "am" are SO powerful, I'm careful even when thinking about that.
I always avoid saying anything negative with those words.
They're that powerful.
You might roll your eyes, but after obsessing over how the brain works, identity just matters a ton.
When it comes to my social media success, it was only possible when I identified as someone who could achieve it.
If I identified as someone who never could get followers or views, I would not have got that.
Why have I never drunk alcohol in my life?
Because I am someone who does not drink alcohol.
I don't consider whether to drink or not - because it is so ingrained in me.
This is the power of identity.
We'll hop into how to craft a new one in step 4.
2) Comparison
Comparison is another reason why many feel terrible.
You see all people sharing wins on social media.
And you think what a piece of sh*t I am when I can't achieve that.
1) That is a story you're telling yourself
2) That is not true - the human potential is close to limitless
(Read more on how to learn the best way in 2024 here.)
3) Most people only share the good things in their life.
I share the challenges I've gone through. But I still do not share everything.
There are challenges I'm battling with I haven't yet got to tell you.
There are things that I might never tell you, of course.
There are things people don't share on social media.
If you see a cute couple pic, it doesn't mean they never fight.
If you see a great nature pic, that doesn't mean the photographer gets a good photo every time they go out to shoot.
If you see a rich dude with a Lambo, that doesn't mean he's happy.
Be careful what you think is true.
Most likely there are things 1 hasn't shared online.
Most people only share the highlights of their lives.
So do not think you're a piece of sh*t because of other people's posts.
It's stupid. But many fall for it. At times, me included!
But do your best to avoid it.
If you start to feel bad because you see a highlight post, catch yourself. Tell yourself you can't feel this way. Be happy for the other person. It's proof you can do it too. And know, there are most likely challenges the person has not shared online. You don't often know the person!
The same thing is that if you look up to let's say... MrBeast. The most popular YouTuber on our lovely planet.
Many look up to him and think oh my god I wish I was him.
He has fame. He has money. He has freedom.
Why wouldn't you want that?
Well... because of what his life is like to have that.
He barely can go out in public.
He can't have a brilliant social life outside of filming. Work is the only thing he feels "comfortable" with.
He works insane hours and manages a lot of people.
Even he has many times said he doesn't recommend others to do what he does.
It's so taxing.
I'd not want to be him.
Yes, I'd more money.
But it is achievable without doing what he does.
There are many paths to the same destination.
(I teach how to start making money with what you love in my Social Media Coaching Program. Apply here.)
The same with Elon Musk.
He's a dude that does all this cool stuff.
But you know the life he has lived to get where he is?
And the life he is living now?
I won't get into it here... but it's not a life I want.
But still many get jealous when he's wealthy.
Be careful who you look up to.
Especially, think about their lifestyle. Don't just look at the numbers.
This all said I don't encourage you to live a comfortable life...
3) Do difficult things
If all you do, is that you sit on a sofa and watch the telly, how could you feel good about it?
There are times when to recover and take it easy.
But if you do it consistently and never challenge yourself, no wonder you feel bad.
Doing difficult things will make you happy.
Doing difficult things will make you proud.
Doing difficult things will make you learn new things.
Why most of society are depressed, overweight and divorced?
Because they avoid doing difficult things.
If you want to be like the average person, never seek discomfort.
I love discomfort.
By that I mean I love the challenge.
I hate some stuff.
I dislike a cold shower. (I'm careful to not use the "I am" - I don't want to reinforce a negative identity.)
But I am someone who loves the challenge of taking it.
(See what I did there?)
By taking that challenge, I feel amazing about myself. My dopamine (the feel-good chemical in the brain) goes up.
By doing difficult things, you'll get more and more dopamine.
And this is good dopamine - not like you get if you scroll on social media mindlessly.
Do difficult things. And your nature will reward you for that.
Let's still take it to the times a long time ago - when we were hunter-gatherers.
If we had only sat around doing nothing, what would've happened?
We would've died.
We had to find food.
Was it easy?
Hell nah. And it was dangerous too.
But what got us up?
Dopamine, and our own nature.
We developed a reward system because if we didn't feel rewarded when doing difficult things, we would've not done them.
We would've gone extinct.
Eating, still to this day, gives us a dopamine boost.
It's needed. (Although many eat too much and that's bad dopamine.)
In the modern age, it's easy to get dopamine. But it's not easy to get the good dopamine.
Let's say you have 2 choices:
1) Hike a fell in the dark at night - that's your challenge. Or
2) Stay home and watch your favourite series for the 10th time.
What would most people pick?
The 2nd one, right?
Which one gives more dopamine?
The 1st one.
At first, it will suck. You'll probably hate it. It's difficult.
But once you've completed the hike, you're "high" on the dopamine.
You feel absolutely amazing.
Why?
Because you did something difficult. You're proud. And nature rewarded you.
I hope I've now got the point across to you.
Do hard sh*t.
4) Crafting a new identity - affirmations are sh*te
Some love affirmations.
I think they have their place in the world - and can be useful when done in a correct way.
But let's say you're terrible at photography.
If you write down every morning "I'm a good photographer", you know it's bullsh*t.
The same thing if you're overweight and you say you have a six-pack.
It won't magically appear, will it?
You can't repeat a thing in your head and suddenly transform.
You need to actually do things.
Let's get back to the identity.
Let's say you want to be someone who goes to the gym consistently.
So your identity would be:
"I am someone who goes to the gym consistently".
Now, again, just saying that is not enough.
You need proof that this is true.
Once you have proof that this is true, you'll actually believe yourself.
The identity has become true.
How to gather proof?
In this case, just show up consistently to the gym.
After doing it for a few weeks, you can confidently say you're someone who shows up consistently.
Now you have a better story about yourself - which is TRUE!
At the start, you gotta push yourself to gather proof of the story you want to tell about yourself.
This. Is. The. Key.
1) Be aware of who you want to be
2) Push yourself to gather proof of that identity
3) You'll become a new person - and feel amazing about yourself.
Hope you found that helpful, my friend.
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This stuff definitely has helped me - oh boy, have I had some bad identities in the past. There was a lot of work to overcome.
You might have just a couple changes you need to do.
But some of you, will have more work ahead.
But know, it is possible. As long as you keep going and don't give up.
Till next Saturday,
Hugo
P.S. Whenever you're ready, there are 3 other ways I can help you:
#1: Ready to crush it on social media in 2024? Click here to apply to my 1-1 Social Media Coaching Program.
#2: Have you seen my YouTube channel? I'm putting stuff out there too. I bet you'd find it valuable. Check out my latest videos and come give me a like and subscribe. :)